Enneagram Type Two (the Helper)
Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist)
What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
This can be a very warm, even passionate, couple when both parties continue to share their feelings openly together. Both are seeking warmth and connection, and both are willing to provide it when they are healthy. Hence, once they have gotten over the initial hurdles of intimacy, Enneagram Twos and Fours can be a safe place for each to share their hopes, fears, and insecurities. They can be good medicine for each other: Twos contribute sociability and energy, giving Fours the confidence to interact more easily with others. Twos are warm, outgoing, thoughtful and considerate, generous, and encouraging. Twos are also practical and action-oriented, willing to pitch in where needed and to do the things that need to be done, no matter how unpleasant or unglamorous.
To this mix, Fours bring creativity, a sense of humor, a willingness to laugh at human foibles, and emotional honesty. They see their own craziness and their own falseness and they do not try to varnish the truth of their quirks from themselves or from the Two. Fours also bring a sense of beauty and of subtlety into the relationship: they care about how things impact on themselves and others, and so they go out of their way to arrange their world to be more aesthetically pleasing, allowing the Two to feel more relaxed and nurtured. Fours also bring emotional depth and sensitivity to their relationships, a sense of mystery and unpredictability, sensuality and sexual freedom. In short, Fours invite Twos to take a closer look at their deeper needs, the truth of who they are and what they actually feel. Twos appreciate the subtleties and nuances that Fours bring, and Fours thrive in this atmosphere of appreciation. They can lighten up each other with unexpected humor and appreciation of each others’ quirks. Each invites the other to mature emotionally, usually without saying so. Both help the other to stop being so concerned about what others think of them and to become more inner-directed.
Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
Usually Twos and Fours make better friends and colleagues than intimates. Surprisingly, this pairing is rare in intimate relationships. One would think that they would be a natural fit with each other: the rescuer (Two) and the rescued (Four), the lost child and the parental figure. The problem is that there can be too much emotionality and unspoken demands in this pairing for their own good. Twos and Fours tend to have many emotional issues in common-which allows them to understand each other readily while also laying the groundwork for potential problems and conflicts. They both need closeness and intimacy and tend to cling to anyone who responds to them sufficiently. Over the long term, there is the tendency to become competitive for attention or for one person to feel better liked and more appreciated than the other.
Moreover, Twos tend to find Fours too moody and temperamental, led too much by their feelings and unconscious impulses. They also see Fours as hypersensitive and self-absorbed—and not interested enough in others or their welfare. Fours tend to find Twos to be too saccharine and artificially upbeat, flattering and insincere to get close to people and to feel needed. Fours see Twos as secretly emotionally needy, desperate for others to like them and seek them out. They can see the Two’s helpfulness as little more than an attempt to bribe people for love, which Fours disdain. Fours might begin to be secretly envious of the Twos social abilities and the kinds of positive reactions Twos generally get from people. Fours can begin to feel socially inept and overshadowed by the charm and popularity of Twos. Secret shame and the feeling of worthlessness on the part of both can begin to undermine the relationship. It can founder on Fours’ feelings of abandonment if the Two becomes involved with others. It can also founder on Twos increasingly feeling unappreciated by the Four. Both begin to see the other as too emotionally needy—and ultimately as more demanding than each wishes to put effort into.